I haven’t done a Monica Wants Fit update in awhile because I do want to be fit, but my knees are literally killing me.
Last year I jinxed myself by writing a post about how I easily lost 25 pounds in 100 days with Weight Watchers. And I did, truly. I was so focused and on track with my weight loss that I even tracked cake on my birthday in 2016, which is amazing because in my mind my birthday is a national holiday where all food has zero calories. I’ve gained back roughly half of the 25 pounds I had lost.
I got off track last year about this time when I moved for my new job and had to live away from D and Pee Wee for about 3 months…something that depressed me to my core, and I will never do again. Then came the stress of selling the former house, moving D and PW over here, then my father in law got cancer, and life was so stressful. All during this time, my knee was getting progressively worse, but I chalked it up to having to climb the stairs at my new job.
The knee pain finally got so unbearable that I went to the doctor. She recommended losing weight, obviously, and I got opinions from an orthopedic surgeon and physical therapist that losing weight was indeed the one and only ticket to pain free living. Chronic pain is awful. I can’t even put it into words.
I joined Weight Watchers meetings in April and had terrible results. In three months, I lost about 11 pounds even though I was nearly perfect on the plan every week and was STARVING all the time. I don’t know if it was the meds I was on at the time for my knee, but the weight was. not. coming. off.
The meetings here in town are not so great. I remember loving the meetings when I first went in high school, yup lifelong fatty here, but going to them as a 32 year old woman I just couldn’t see myself paying for that nonsense every week.
I wanted a high quality leader. The meetings were essentially members talking about how they didn’t track on weekends, then were perfect during the week and exercised a lot. Then the leader would hand out weight loss awards, always forgetting mine somehow, and we’d leave.
Oof. OOF, y’all. After 12 weeks, I said no more.
For the record, I LOVE Weight Watchers, I think their newest program is sensible and would work for truly changing poor eating habits, but your mileage may vary at meetings.
I finished physical therapy right before Hurricane Harvey hit, but I’m not better. The doctor says there’s nothing they can do for my pain other than telling me to take copious amounts of Advil. I don’t because Aleve and Advil do nothing for my pain. Absolutely nothing.
The physical therapist that happens to live down the street from me also told me losing weight is the only thing that will help me (and taping my knee, which does provide a bit of relief)…so I’m really buckling down. Again.
My chondromalacia patella, which is what I officially have, causes me to not be able to walk very well, standing up from a seated position kills me, sleep is rare due to the pain, and I can’t do things that a normal 32 year old should be able to do like walk up/down the stairs, walk across the mall, walk up and down a curb, squat to pick up something, or climb up a ladder to decorate a Christmas tree in my new house.
I feel…so weak. And I did this to my self. I don’t write a lot about my mental health on here because it’s deeply personal, but anxiety is a battle for me everyday. I worry a lot. I hate how I look. I see pictures of myself from a few years back, and I wonder how I “let myself go”. I wonder how my husband sticks around. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and sad that this is what I am right now.
I’m not putting this out there as a cry for pity or encouragement, though encouraging words are always welcome on these pages. I’m putting this out there to help inspire you to take control of something that is causing you pain in your life.
I truly believe that training the mind to think positively knowing that with time and effort you can and will succeed is half the battle. I think sometimes I focus on my making my house beautiful as a way to not have to cope with the fact that I don’t feel beautiful. Or glamorous. Or healthy.
So, this Friday I am getting my hair professionally colored. I’m splurging on balayage, and I hope my hair comes out fabulous.
I’ve also started doing some low impact walking workouts at home with Jessica Smith TV and doing some fun dance routines provided by The Fitness Marshall (he is AMAZING)– these are FREE workouts on YouTube you can do on your laptop or on your TV via an Apple TV or Roku. And finally, I’m logging my calories daily on My Fitness Pal and cutting back on sugar and diet sodas.
There ya have it. My truth as it stands right now. Not pretty, not glamorous.
This blog is definitely not transitioning to a weight loss blog, but I will likely update you all once a month to keep myself accountable.
If you’ve read all this, you’re the real MVP. xo.